Christmas Crush (2012)

It’s Christmas night now, and you might be feeling quite jolly. Perhaps you’re full of turkey and mashed potatoes. Maybe you’re admiring your festive decorations, or snacking on whatever holiday cookies you have left, or you may even be listening to your favourite Christmas carols one last time. One thing is for sure, though, Christmas is nearly over.

If you’re not quite ready to let go of everything red, white, and green, you might be getting ready to watch one more Christmas movie before the night is through. If you’re heading to Netflix to fulfil your final Christmas wish, let me give you one movie suggestion: DO NOT watch Christmas Crush.

This is a terrible holiday movie. Perhaps even the worst Christmas movie OF ALL TIME. But besides being a bad Christmas movie, it’s also just a terrible movie movie. Period. It feels like someone wrote maybe two decent pages of dialogue and thought they could drag it out into an entire movie.

There are innumerable problems with this movie, but for the sake of this warning, the major ones are as follows:

1. No high school has ever had its reunion at Christmas time. Reunions usually happen right before summer, on the anniversary of graduation, or in the fall, during homecoming weekend. Never at Christmas. So the premise for this movie is already a stretch. (An alternate name for this film, and how it’s billed on IMDb, is Holiday High School Reunion…because if you make that the title of the movie, no one will ask questions.)
2. The main character (Georgia Hunt, played by Rachel Boston from American Dreams) has the worst memory ever, and severe case of Katniss Everdeen Syndrome, wherein she is so completely clueless she can’t see that her male best friend (Ben Oliver, played by Jonathan Bennett from Mean Girls) was actually in love with her all through high school and *SPOILER ALERT* still is! We also see through her flashbacks that all the memories she thought she had with her high school boyfriend (Craig, played by Jon Prescott from nothing, you’ve never heard of him) were actually with Ben! SHOCKER. Despite this, Georgia continues to pursue a reconciliation with Craig throughout the film.
3. Georgia wore white the ENTIRE time—even in her flashbacks. The imagery was suffocating. WE GET IT! You’re pure, you’re innocent, you’re the personification of goodness! Give it a rest!
4. Georgia broke up with Craig at prom because she suspected he was cheating on her. She confronts him about this at the reunion and he says something along the lines of “I could never cheat on you, I was so in love with you.” And Georgia says (I’m paraphrasing), “Oh great, let’s forget I ever dumped you out of suspicion and make out behind the school like the last 10 years never happened.” Later in the movie she has another flashback to the moment she “suspected” Craig was cheating on her. The moment went as follows: Georgia sees Craig leaving a classroom. A moment later she sees one of her best friends also leaving the same classroom…and ADJUSTING HER DRESS. Georgia looks worried, so Craig says to Georgia “It’s nothing with her, it’s just physical. You’re my girl.” Then she dumps him. So…in present day when you only suspect your high school boyfriend cheated on you, really you KNOW HE DID BECAUSE HE STRAIGHT UP TOLD YOU HE DID! He admitted that he had a physical thing with your friend. COME ON.
5. Georgia is straight up dumb. Aside from the fact that she has some severe type of human-dyslexia where she mixes up people in her memories, she’s also completely clueless in the present. Her high school girlfriends are the worst. They’re terrible people, they’re not nice, and as we already know one of them slept with Georgia’s boyfriend. YET, Georgia still spends the majority of the film AND performs a damn Glee club number with them in front of the front of the whole reunion, and it is very obviously a plot by the friends to embarrass Georgia.

BONUS: Georgia lies to everyone about being more successful in her job than she really is. She tells everyone she is a “fashion designer to the stars,” when she’s really just an assistant. Because when you’re lying about what you do, it’s best to go with something that would make you semi-famous and definitely Googleable.

Things that just pissed me off as a viewer:

1. The filmmakers didn’t even attempt to make the actors appear younger in the flashbacks. Just a bunch of 30 year olds wearing prom dresses.
2. They clearly couldn’t get the rights to any of the Christmas songs they sang in the film because they all day a brand new, never before heard, slightly different than the original, melody.

I can’t even spent any more time detailing how bad this movie is. I’d would recommend that you watch it for yourself so you can fully appreciate this disaster, but really I won’t be responsible for putting you through that.

So, this year, my gift you is saving you from wasting your time.

Merry Christmas.