When you’re a kid, chances are you don’t have much to think about beyond what’s for dinner and what you’re going to ask for for your birthday or Christmas. And not even necessarily in that order. I’m sure everyone can remember a time when there was a new toy that was so lustworthy that you couldn’t go a day without thinking about it, you dreamt about it, you even shushed your family when its commercial came on the TV. Oftentimes, not getting the toy you want as a kid can feel like, understandably, the end of the world—especially when you’re world is literally just food and toys…and the occasion human or animal companion. Looking back, there are a few things that I know I really, reaaaally wanted and never got. While at the time this was devastating to me and I didn’t know how I’d ever get over being the “only kid at school without a Koosh ball launcher,” as an adult I can confirm that I survived—even flourished—without these destined-for-the-attic items.

Here is a list of the gifts I’m glad I never got:

Creepy Crawlers – I’m pretty sure this was billed as the EasyBake Oven for boys, but that probably made me want it more. Why I’m glad I never got it: I’m confident I thought these were candy critters, like gummy worms. There’s no doubt in my mind I would have tried to eat one of my creations with anticipatedly unfortunate results.

Tommy Hilfiger overalls – everyone who was anyone had those iconic Tommy overalls with the giant logo bib straps. This one item of clothing was basically a one-way ticket to Coolville: population Destiny’s Child, Aaliyah, alternating members of the Backstreet Boys. If you paired it with the Tommy logo bandeau top and only ever did up one strap at a time, forget it, you’re the coolest kid in school. Why I’m glad I never got it: fuck it, I still want these.

Caboodle – I wanted to be like the cool girls in the commercials, toting my colourful Caboodle to and from exciting destinations like the mall or a slumber party, ready to conduct an emergency makeover at any moment. Why I’m glad I never got it: I never had any makeup so it would have been sadly underused never fulfilling its ultimate purpose: awesome ’90s glamour.

Baby G watch – Oh man, these were cool. Hugely oversized, translucent rubbery watches in pretty pastel colours; what’s not like? Why I’m glad I never got it: Almost immediately after they became popular a much cheaper, shittier version became available at the now ubiquitous $10 watch kiosks in every mall everywhere.

Pretty Petals/Fantastic Flowers – takes the guess work out of crafts. Why I’m glad I never got it: takes the guess work out of crafts.

That clear phone in which you can see all the phone mechanisms – I actually think I did get this, but a version that I had to build myself. I never got around to building it. I guess I didn’t want it bad enough. Why I’m glad I never got it: I didn’t want it bad enough.

TalkGirl (pink version of TalkBoy), similarly Yak Bak – Kevin McAllister had one in Home Alone and caused all sorts of mischief with it. Then they came out with a pink one! For girls! Perfect for recording a message for your crush, or a shopping list. Why I’m glad I never got it: perpetuating toy-based gender stereotypes.

Child-sized PowerWheels car/jeep/convertible – I’m actually torn between still wanting this and being glad I never got it. Ultimately why I’m glad I never got it: I don’t think I ever saw one in person that didn’t have to be pulled on a rope by an adult.

My Size Barbie – Ooooh how I wanted this. I wanted to share her pretty Barbie clothes. I wanted her to wear my regular human clothes. Why I’m glad I never got it: as many people know, well-loved Barbies tend to look a little terrifying after a while. Their hair gets matted and unbrushable; their porcelain skin gets marked and smudged with anonymous and impossible-to-remove dirt; their cold, dead eyes stare through you. Imagine waking up and seeing the looming silhouette of a neglected you-sized pseudo-being in the corner of your room. NO THANKS!

Moustetrap – This game made you think it was possible to have an action packed time playing a board game around your coffee table. Not so. Why I’m glad I never got it: In actuality, it was one of those games that was more fun to set up than to actually play. Similar to 13 Dead End Drive, which I did have. Game set up took about 30 minutes, which is about the average attention span of a 13 year old, so by the time you’re ready to play you’re brains already moving on to the next activity. Not to mention that every time you set it up it becomes less and less stable, cardboard just doesn’t hold its shape like game-makers apparently expect it to. And we can’t forget Grape Escape – the game of murdering anthropomorphic playdough grapes!

Power Penz – So much more than just a regular pen; I’m talking several varieties of dart and foam rocket launchers, sound recording/radio pens, tiny race cars, spy kits, you name it! One pen even turned into a mini basketball court, complete with three balls! Why I’m glad I never got it: the size of it probably made it impossibly uncomfortable to try to write it. 1) I never would have been able to hold it in my tiny child hands, 2) it would have just been a precursor to the internet in terms of distracting me from doing any actual work, 3) let’s be honest, it would have never been a pen, but always a basketball court.

Tamagotchi – As one to accept no imitations, I wanted the real deal; the kind that, once deceased, was dead and gone forever. Kaput. Dunzo. Never again to utter another little electronic chirp. Why I’m glad I never got it: once it dies, is dead forever! That’s an insane toy concept.

HITclips – Cheaper than a cassette single, definitely cheaper than a whole album, HITclips were the best chance I had at getting my parents to buy me a copy of every song that came on the radio. Plus they were on strings like cool accessories and came with a neat player. Why I’m glad I never got it: they only had about 30 seconds of a song on each clip…completely useless.

Crocodile Dentist – Why I’m glad I never got it: the anxiety!

Any doll that “peed” or gave birth – Why I’m glad I never got it: CREEPY!

Toys that I never got that I STILL kind of want now:

Skip it – Cardio in the guise of playing? Genius! The concept is so simple, which is what makes it great. And timeless. And definitely pine-worthy. I lump this toy in with other classic things like jump ropes and hula hoops. One of its best features was the counter, to keep track of how many rotations you did. Perfect for competitive kids would wanted so Skip It longer than anyone else (or beat their own records). I would 100% Skip It right now if I had one…do you think the foot-loops are adult sized?

..

Playmobil train set – Come on mum and dad, you can’t open the door to the vast world of Playmobil and then keep me grounded at the welcome sign by not giving me a means of transportation!