Well, it happened Canada; the day we finally pulled the plug on the penny. After years and years (and years) of storing pennies in water jugs, piggy banks, coffee mugs, repurposed ash trays, bottom of desk drawers, it’s done. The war on pennies is finally over, and we’ve won. Or lost, depending on how you feel about pennies. I’m indifferent, really, though I will admit to getting overly excited when I can make perfectly perfect change for a purchase.

Does the loss of the penny mean, too, that we must lose all the phrases and idioms that centre on the penny? What is the fate of a penny saved is a penny earned? Must we all now commit to saving nickels? What about penny pinchers? Do these notorious scrimp and savers need a new name? The term pretty penny usually refers to something that is extravagant and expensive. If we start saying delightful dime, does that now mean that item is 10x more extravagant?!

The word penny, itself, is the singular form of pence, which we don’t even use in Canada (we use cents…wasn’t sure if I had to clarify that). So, all these phrases like “penny for your thoughts” and the local grocer’s penny saver flyer, they don’t even really refer to our money. Some could argue that “pennies from heaven” is referring to money (or opportunity) raining down, and replacing it with “nickels from heaven” is superfluous because it’s still money but it would be an argument lost. A penny (or pennies) no longer refers to the single units in any other denomination of money. Where once 5 pennies equalled a nickel, now a nickel equals a nickel and that’s the bottom line.

On a related note, all future thoughts now cost a minimum of 5 cents. And great news for all you down on your luck, out of work folk, you’ll never have to worry about being “penniless” again! Otherwise, we’re all penniless now, in which case the competition just got stiff.

I feel it’s redundant to mention at this point, since a penny candy hasn’t cost only a penny in ages (candy tax is too damn high), but technically, if such a product still exists (and if there’s an old timey sweet shop out there with any scruples it does) one penny candy currently costs 1.13 cents. A small child would need to buy FIVE HUNDRED candies to just to reach a multiple of five ($5.65). If we still had pennies this child would only need to buy 100 candies, at a total of $1.13. That is still, presumably, 99 more candies than intended. We can blame two things for this, one: tax. Two: the loss of the penny. So next time you see an obese child walking around with 500 candies falling out of his pockets, blame the penny. PENNIES ARE THE REASON OUR KIDS ARE FAT!