The entire month of October leads up to one thing, and one thing only. The last day of October. Yes, but what is that day? The 31st. Yes, but what is the 31st? Why, it’s Halloween, of course.

Once a day for which anticipation literally exploded out of little people—squeals of excitement over costumes, candy, haunted houses, and staying up late were all things one could expect from this hallow-day. Tiny tots to tender teens can’t wait for this one special evening. Somewhere between 14 and 18, though, the excitement dwindles. Maybe the peer pressure to be cool or not-care-about-stuff-to-seem-cool overshadows a natural urge to dress up like your favourite leotarded superhero. But when that excitement reignites in the late teens early 20s, something happens to those once angelic, wide-eyed, innocent costume-lovers of the past. Something sinister, dark, something slutty.

Now, I’m not one to tell someone not to be slutty. Go forth and slut. But this slutty Halloween phenomenon has simply gotten out of hand. Once reserved for professional costumes like nurse, cop, maid, it didn’t take long for the boundaries to change. Soon, it was not only occupations that were up for slutification; girls started dressing up as slutty cartoon characters, slutty Romans (in teeny, tiny togas; I won’t even mention how women didn’t even wear togas…rather, I won’t mention it again), slutty(er) mermaids, slutty boy scouts, slutty prisoners, and even, blasphemy, slutty nuns, to name a few. While this was, arguably, extreme, one could argue that perhaps these things do potentially have the capacity to be slutty. I’ve even seen a slutty skeleton; can you be slutty when you don’t have skin or muscles?

That brings us to animals. Poor, helpless animals. Slutty cat, slutty bee, slutty peacock, and slutty bunny; bunnies being, arguably, the real-life sluttiest of the bunch. These animals can’t defend themselves. They can’t try to right this wrong. For most people out there their only experience with a peacock may be the slutty kind. They’ll grow up to teach their kids about animals and how peacocks are beautiful, yes, but very slutty.

Since conquering the realms of people and animals, slutty costumers have had to seek out new and sluttier horizons. What else can be portrayed as easy? Enter inanimate objects. (That came out wrong, and I apologize.) This is where the sluts have gone too far. Here a few of the slutty costume ideas that are happening now:

Slutty corn. CORN! That’s right. Now you can be your favourite seasonal treat only sluttier. Try not to make your costume too hot though, you might pop a kernel! See also, slutty candy corn.

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Slutty crayon. If it has childhood significance for you—like using it to draw your first picture, melting it to make your first terrible candle, that thing where you cover paint with black crayon and then scratch off a design—then it can be made slutty. (This category also includes things like slutty Tinkerbell and slutty Big Bird.) strangely drawn to this costume…drawn.

 

Slutty hamburger. Now the 700 calories per Big Mac isn’t the only naughty thing on the menu.

Slutty lime wedge. For the cannibal in you. No doubt, a slutty lime wedge can be found at any party doing tequila shots FOR EVERYONE.

Slutty watermelon. Why not, keep the food theme alive.

Slutty banana. To be fair, it doesn’t take much to turn a banana slutty.

Slutty guitar. For lovers of music.

Slutty  Pac-Man. Includes surprise appears by a ghost. This one leaves nothing to the imagination. And look, there’s a bow in her hair. Get it? Because she’s Miss Pac-Man.

 

Finally…

Slutty “Little Miss Supreme Beauty Pageant” costume. This one is not funny or an inanimate object but it’s a very special kind of wrong considering it’s supposed to be portraying a child as a slutty thing. Very gross. I’m not even posting a picture.

Of course, “slutty” is a taboo word when you’re trying to convince someone to do something like buy your costumes—it’s a rare breed who wants to be out and out called a slut—so these costumes are usually marketed as “sexy.” Because everyone wants to be sexy, right? I will admit here that I am interested to see where this slutty costume genre goes next. And when will we just go full slut? “What are you being for halloween this year?” “I am going to be slutty.” “Slutty what?” “No, just slutty.” I think then we’ll really have made a statement.